I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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