I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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