My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
