lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
