before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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