I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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