i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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