final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize