I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
