I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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