i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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