he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
