the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
