It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
