if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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