I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
