burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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