i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
how does that bad decision feel?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
