what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
