Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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