Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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