I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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