I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
