What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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