She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
