Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
