My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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