The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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