wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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