I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
