I could make wine with my vomit
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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