He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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