So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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