and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
