I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
