You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
