Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
