My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
