you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
