boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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