How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
