ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
