you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
