Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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