i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
