O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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