I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
