why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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