im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
