There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
