So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
