Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
