Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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