Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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