all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
